How to get yourself out of a dark place
So I’ve been thinking about dying a lot recently. Nope not in a suicidal way; calm down. I mean I’ve been thinking about it in an ‘I’m afraid’ sort of way.
Fuck knows why. Maybe it’s because my dad died. And then my husband’s dad. Maybe it’s because I have a young child, and I wonder if all our too-fast-too-furious living of the past will catch up with us. I mean the gentlemen I mentioned lived rather compliant lives as long as I knew them. And they both died horribly painful deaths that we witnessed. What hope to we have right?! What if we go like in a year, and she’s tiny and poor and alone?
Who knows why we think what we think!?
Except I really don’t like it.
I was never afraid of death. This is fucked up. I want to go back to old me.
Unfortunately, my head won’t play. So for the last little while my thoughts have been on a rampage. I’ve thought about the way I would die. My husband and Murphyskid would be there. Crying. Murphyskid would be traumatized when I go. Tortured by memories of the recent deaths of her grandfathers. All still fresh. (Because for some reason I’m dying tomorrow, you know, as you do.)
Or I’d have cancer and decide not to get treatment and throw a drunken coke-snorting send off while my poor little fourteen-year-old year watches distraught.
You see? Absolute flights of fancy.
But in all my scenarios the end is the same. My daughter traumatized by my loss. When did I get so narcissistic? Oh, I know. She will be a little traumatized. But life goes on. Believe me. There’s meaning in the mundane. You have to find it or your soul would die. I know she’ll cope.
So what am I really afraid of?
I am afraid of no longer being here. Because warts and all I like my life. What can I do with that knowledge?
I can be more present. That’s what I can do! However horseshit that sounds, it’s a thing. I very rarely enjoy a moment, and I think I’m going to try.
What is the point of this post? Why did I want you to read it besides indulging me?
Here is my point…
There is morbidity in all of us. Whatever your trigger is it’s going to pop up at some point. Part of it is a realization that yes, it does happen to you. The other part of it is that very pointless human emotion – worry. You serve a set of purposes here, who’s going to do that when you’re gone? It’s nearly as pointless as worrying about a presentation that needs to get done when you call in sick at work (if you’re that sort of person!) Oh and your big fear might not even be death it might be poverty. Or sickness. Or the loss of identity. Or someone. And in an average life, I’m pretty sure there are tons of these dark realization moments. Whatever it is, it’s valid and there’s a way out of the darkness.
When the moment comes, here’s my take… think balance. Let it have its way with you. Let it voice all those nameless emotions. Really get to know them. Because knowledge is power. Once you know what you’re afraid of, you can make a plan.
And plans are amazing. The stuff of dreams.
Phew… thanks for helping me work through that darkness.